some heavy thoughts

i am still sick. and when i am sick i have time to think. and i've been thinking about so many things lately that it's been difficult to decide what to share here on the blog.

let me back up and say i am no longer feverishly sick....just a nagging cough that won't go away and keeps me up all night. that's not an exaggeration. all night. until i discovered a cough suppressant that seemed to work moderately well last night. thank you Lord for cough suppressants!

so sitting up all night coughing while everyone else rests peacefully has afforded me the chance to take the time and think some things through. nights are tough for me regardless of being sick. i think it started soon after i had burrito, and i was up a lot at night feeding him. it felt so lonely and so dark and so suffocating to be up at a time when the rest of the world slept. an anxiousness would creep up into my heart and no matter what i did, i could not shake that feeling.

it continues today. it doesn't happen everyday but when it does happen, it usually occurs at night. it's that pit in your stomach sort of feeling and i can't always pinpoint the cause. i think my anxiousness has expanded as my circle of responsibility has expanded...i'm not just a single girl anymore, i have a husband and two sons who i desperately love.

the root of the problem (i think) is that i don't fully trust the Lord. and while that realization is good, it still did not help my anxiety problem. and i don't want to be anxious. i want to trust the Lord. during these times i preach to myself, reciting a scripture over and over in hopes of pounding it into my heart and rooting out the disbelief that holds me captive.

and this anxiousness manifests itself most in the fear of death. the thought of my husband or my sons dying is paralyzing. and my need to prevent such an event is even more paralyzing. i simply cannot control such a thing. so i worry. and death is such a permanent thing. death means separation for the rest of my life.

so my revelation moment came as i was reading a book for our small group at church. i think i discovered that i don't trust the Lord because i can't reconcile in my mind why bad things (namely untimely deaths) happen to good people. i read verses like "the Lord rewards those who earnestly seek him (hebrews 11:6), and i know people who love the Lord and really bad things have happened to them. that doesn't seem like a reward to me.

but the revelation for me is that my reward is in heaven. duh! i am not promised that bad things won't happen to me here on earth but nothing bad will happen to me in eternity. my hope is not in the here and now. it is in eternity with Christ and with those who believe. this change in perspective is so liberating for me. so as horrible as it would be for my husband or one of my children to die, it is not permanent as i was incorrectly thinking. we will be together again in eternity. my reward is to be with them and Christ forever.

i know, i know. this is basic theology. i've been hearing this for 16 years of my life. and i think this would have been clearer for me 10 years ago as a single woman with no husband or kids. while i had a wonderful life full of many wonderful people and things, my perspective was on eternity. my treasure was Christ. but as i came to know what it meant to love another as a husband and as my own children, my treasure became more of them and less of Christ.

so why do i share this deeply personal revelation with whoever happens upon this blog? partly to remember this revelation should i need to be reminded and partly because i happen to believe that these struggles are not unique to me.

i must treasure Christ and eternity. not this world or anything in it. with His grace and mercy, this will be a daily practice for me.